I notice looking at other dommes web sites, and looking at discussions on the bulletin boards, that there are two rather different conceptions of what it means to be a domme. In practice, there are probably as many different conceptions as there are dommes, but for the sake of argument let’s consider two (for want of a better word) extremes on the spectrum.

Some providers present as being very harsh; and use humiliating language – calling their clients things like “worm” or “worthless”. Of course, one can’t tell what their sessions are really like, and I can well imagine that some clients find this approach very alluring, but it isn’t really me.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I like to do humiliation play. But my style of humiliation isn’t a one-size-fits-all. Where humiliation is of interest to a client, I much prefer to “play with erotic embarrassment” (as Midori puts it) – to find those psychological pressure points that will make the client squirm. Now that does require quite a degree of pre-discussion and pre-negotiation, to identify areas that will cause the desired degree of embarrassment – and that will have an erotic charge. One has to be careful to avoid scenes that focus on a client’s core values. That isn’t erotic and can cause real psychological harm. But if one can find subsidiary values and work on them, that can be intensely erotic. For example, many clients experience strong prescriptions around masculine attire, and it can be intensely humiliating to be forced to wear (say) a sequined ballgown. On the other hand other clients would love to wear a sequined ballgown. It just depends on the client and what they feel is humiliating. But when one finds the right triggers, the results can be incredibly charged – for both me and the client.

For example, at last year’s Dark Odyssey: Surrender, here in San Francisco, Midori did a demonstration scene with two volunteers. One was blindfolded and made to stand before the audience with the hands and feet bound, effectively rendering them helpless, while Midori slowly steadily cut holes out of their clothes until the point where they were nearly naked and fully exposed. For some people that wouldn’t have been a big deal, but afterwards, while Midori was doing after-care, the volunteer confided that they were intensely shy about presenting in public, and also intensely shy about any hint of nakedness in public. And as such, the demonstration caused intense feelings of embarrassment and humiliation.

Similarly, I have a client who loves to be collared with a leash and paraded around the dungeon. And while we are doing that, I like to talk about taking them out like that to a public space, like the Citadel, and leading them around for all to see. I’m not sure the client will ever get to go out in public on a leash, but the thought of it is intensely charged.

Ms Emilie